January 3, 2021
Uluwatu, Bali
11:36 pm
Sometimes I wonder whether somebody actually read my series of online notes that has absolutely no specific themes going on, the more real question is actually "Does somebody still read nowadays?". I laugh at my own agony and somehow find a release that nobody actually read this and find a safe haven that no one actually care.Yet on another spectrum, it is a mixed feelings THAT no one cares. Deep down I want someone to care. I want someone genuinely, meaningfully care..
Happy 2021 they say, Happy new year they wished me, is it just an empty formality that people passing on to their friends? it's nothing rather than just ... nothing really. I didn't even bother to wish anyone a happy New Year this year, actually I did reply to the messages coming my way and I actually did wishing people a happy new year. Does it really matter? Does it change something? I don't think so.
It's funny how I see my blog and find none of this blogpost revolves around 2020. Maybe just like that year has been cancelled on almost everyone's list, maybe my subconscious cancelled it as well. haha. Actually not really. If anything I got my heart broken, made peace with my loss of 2019, made peace with my own sanity, and I too had experienced being in love in 2020. It wasn't so bad. I met incredible people that little did I know they will become my friends in that year. Last but not least, still experience an unfortunate luck in love department. They manage to go. Like always. Of course I developed a hard time scrutinizing myself and in a constant train of asking my own self worth. Doubting my worth as if i'm kinda an error project, or as people call it 'the glitch in matrix'.
Yes I long for happiness just like everybody else. I yearn for someone to call home. I want that someone to stay and never leave. Am I being desperate now? As far as I know, I'm being vulnerable. I admit that life is still beautiful, still gorgeous and there is so much more in life than just coupling, but I don't wanna shame my desire to have someone either.
I do want to have someone that I can kiss late at night, someone that I can call at 2 in the morning while I can't sleep. No agenda. Just a little pep talk, assurance from my person. Not a booty call most importantly. Someone that I can call a friend, and of course a lover.
Might sound shallow, indeed. If that what shallow is all about, then shallow it is that I need in this particular phase of my life.
all love, shan
xx
Even if no one reading your blog, all the words and stories you put in it are fragment of memories. And it is always joyful and entertaining when you visit back one of these fragments. One or two words in it can recall a whole story. It is always a good feeling to recall the past once in a while, any past. Regret, love, smile, tears, whatever it is, are something that you will eventually miss.
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